All posts by Debbie

Day Zero Survival Checklist, Naturally…

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Guys. Remember when I wrote this post yeeeeeeeeeeeeears back on using 10L of water a day? And how funny it was because, really, it was so very unrealistic and so not real, and I could laugh about it because I had a gazillion liters of water in my taps and under my house and water was life and, well, I had plenty of it…

Well, how the tables have turned. Cape Town now finds itself in this real-life nightmare. This real-life nightmare which has gone from shock-horror scare tactics, and overracting about how bad it all is, to genuine scare tactics, queueing for water at the shops while trying to wrap our minds about lining up for a daily ration of water. Where? Who knows. How will it work? No one can quite tell us that either. SABC News keeps playing this segment highlighting how some rural communities have lived on a trickle of water for centuries, and while it is eye opening and inspiring, THIS IS CAPE TOWN. Wealthy, on the international stage, leading in arts and culture, Table Mountain, V&A Waterfront, best coffee shops in the world CAPE.TOWN.

So here we are: 

So, here’s my humble 2c on how we can defeat Day Zero. #defeatdayzero.

Firstly, I’ll gently nudge you into OBEYING the freaking rules set out by the City of Cape Town. In point form:

  • Amongst the most obvious…
  • Please don’t shower every day. You really don’t have to. If you smell good all the time we will start to judge you.
  • Collect grey water for EVERYTHING. (Please also store this safely! I have a toddler around the house so we are really careful about where and how water is stored).
  • Flush once a day (with grey water from the dishwasher or washing machine).
  • Wash your clothes and your dishes on ECO cycles. Test them and see which cycles use less water.

Secondly, my ECO-POINTERS:

My personal choices for the checklist below would be Nu-Eco hand sanitizer, Pure Beginnings biodegradable wet wipes (as well as mozzie spray, because those mozzies like water collection spots it seems!) and EcoPack‘s biodegradable bowls and cups for your home.

Also, as Wellness Mama suggests, you can use arrowroot powder as a dry shampoo alternative for bonde hair and Cocoafair cocoa powder for dark hair. I kid you not.

Also, go with a buddy to collect water at the spring, day or night. Consider it bonding time – turning a crisis into a standing coffee date (literally, standing).

Finally, some extra thoughts courtesy of EcoPack:

  1. Make a Stay Soft & water solution to spray clothes and hang up to dry
  2. Clean counters with disposable wipes
  3. Wash yourself with wet wipes
  4. Throw toilet paper used for urinating in a lined bin instead of the toilet – add sawdust or bicarb to control odor
  5. Fill toilet cistern with water instead of straight into the toilet
  6. Use microfiber cloths rather than sponges as they become unsanitary faster
  7. Ladies can extend the life of their underwear by wearing panty liners
  8. Use store bought water for drinking only
  9. Use biodegradable & compostable disposable cups, plates & bowls where possible to save water
  10. If you have to wash dishes, wipe as clean as possible with paper towels first
  11. Buy food that requires no water during preparation
  12. Wear fabrics like cotton that breaths to avoid odors from developing due to sweat & bacteria
  13. Use a bicarb & coconut oil mixture as deodorant as it is more effective than traditional store bought deodorants
  14. Use vinegar in a spray bottle for cleaning surfaces.

We’re in this together Cape Town! We really are. Let’s live like it.

Pic credit: www.ewn.co.za, www.msn.com, www.businesslive.co.za, www.ecopack.co.za, City of Cape Town.

Reflections on Christmas, by a Doula (me), and not a Theologian (the hub).

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I love Christmas. There is so much to love about it – the food, the festivities, the giving, the joy. Only this year did I calculate exactly how many family traditions (or events) we shmoosh into this beautiful period of celebration. There are many.

Between my husband and my family, I could count over 10. From baking our own mince pies, to acting the nativity scene (dressed up and with specific roles!), to Uncle Paul’s Christmas Party and Carols at Kirstenbosch. This season is full – and wonderful.

And so full of WONDER. For so many years we celebrated Jesus’s birth – in the manger, with angels and shepherds and that all important star – all so neat and tidy and lovely sitting in the church pew thinking ‘let’s hurry home now and open presents’ (a firm childhood memory of mine)…

Only after having my own kids (and falling in love with birth) have I begun to imagine that birth differently. I love to imagine how hard it must’ve been for Mary and Joseph to (physically) escape to Bethlehem. (If you’ve had those STABBING pains UP your vajay-jay as if you’re about to give birth there and then can you imagine what that must have been like for Mary). I wonder how often she thought she might not make it – with the bobbing up and down on a donkey and Jesus most likely decending into position, pushing on her bladder. I imagine her fear and desperation not finding a place to stay, and then the mix of relief and discomfort finding a stable, a place to finally sit down, and then ‘prepare for the birth’. I wonder how long her birth was, how long did she push for (birth-nerd talk), and how the baby was delivered? At what point did her waters break? Was he breach? Was he posterior? How did Joseph handle it all? Did he freak out? Had either of them seen birth before – they were young… What did they do with the umbilical cord? Was there a moment of divine intervention from heaven above, or was it all really… human. This is BIRTH. Real, raw, scary, beautiful, empowering BIRTH. Yet the birth of a King.

Was there a split second of Peace on Earth? I doubt Mary was wearing white cloths neatly wrapped around her body (for one, there was no Aerial or Omo back in that day). If you’ve seen birth, nothing remains white. The cloth Jesus was wrapped in must have been covered with amniotic fluid, vernix and blood. This was the very messy, very real, very on-the-run birth of Christ. The Christ, the Saviour of the World. I wonder how long Mary and Joseph stared at Jesus wondering if he really was their Saviour.

And so as I reflect this Christmas, I think what I’m realising is that things often don’t look ‘right’. Surely Jesus should’ve had more to wear than swaddling cloths and a more comfy bed than a used animal trough? This picture is nothing like immaculately wrapped up gifts under the tree and the perfectly roasted gammon presented on a Pinterest worthy dining room table. There is nothing wrong with those things – I too love to celebrate WELL – but it seems the picture of Jesus’ birth and the deeper truth sometimes don’t seem to match up in ways we might imagine. This messy birth, and our Saviour on earth. This confusion leads us to Trust; to have Faith – two things it seems we need to possess in larger and larger quantities nowadays, in a world spinning off its axis and one in which we control far less than what we like to believe. Life is hard, and life can be scary; there are unknowns, and mess seems to be everywhere. In our humanness, we cannot understand it – well, I sure can’t.

Luke 2:12: “And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, Glory to God in the Highest and on earth, peace, good will toward men.”

Wherever you find yourself currently… It’s coming. He is Hope. Be it in your heart, or here again in his Creation, we await his coming. We sit in the labour pains of the mysteries to come.

It’s almost time. Keep pushing, keep breathing. Behold, He is coming soon.

Image Credit: Photo by Jaimie Trueblood/newline.wireimage.com, https://brandonacox.com/advent-always-hope/.

Adventure Clubs Unpacked – and WIN!

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If you’re a parent, have a smart phone and haven’t been living under a rock, you would know all about Adventure Clubs. No?

If you don’t have that there app on your phone, it’s time you downloaded it. Adventure Clubs offers exciting planned experiences (outings/adventures) for families with young kids. Fun is had, memories are made – and it’s all planned for you! What Adventure Clubs are trying to do, is facilitate a lifestyle of community and intentional parenting… which I couldn’t agree with more.

It’s easy as pie to get involved. You download the FREE Adventure Clubs app, scroll through all the available adventures in your area, pick the ones you’re keen to join in on and book your place (obviously, get your fellow mama friends in on it because all adventures are more fun with a friend!). You pay for each adventure using your credit card, which is saved on the app for future bookings. It honestly takes a few minutes to book yourself in on any adventure.

So far, we’ve been to watch the ducks parade at Vergenoegd Wine Estate, hopped on the Cape Wheel at the V&A Waterfront after dark (followed by a mug of hot choc), and most recently built a Gingerbread House at Vovo Telo Artisanal Bakery in Steenberg. SUCH FUN! You rock up, meet the adventure leader, get going and ENJOY! Also, they don’t cost the world.

Research shows that the number one indicator of the future happiness of a person is the happiness found in their childhood relationships. Adventure Clubs exists to support the parent-child relationship by building strong families through intentional memory making. And what makes it all the more fun is that adventures are experienced together with other families.

A First: 

Founded by mom-and-dad team, Janelle and Jedd Schroy, Adventure Clubs is a ‘mobile first’ tech company with the only child-focused, group experience based app for both Android and iOS. Parents can turn on their location and browse the various adventures based on a 150km radius of their location to find the adventures that are the best for their family’s interests, schedules and budget. Adventures are offered at all different days and times (and are often repeated), so regardless of each family’s school, work, or extracurricular activities, there are adventures available for everyone.

We had a ton of fun (and mess and some sucking icing straight from the piping bag) on our gingerbread house building adventure. The kids shared a house (lesson 1: in sharing) and tried not eat the sweets before the house was even up (lesson 2: in patience). And then once built, we had to get it home (lesson 3: in growing 4 more arms to ensure our masterpiece did not cave in on drive home). So really, there was parent-kid bonding and so much more. And it DID NOT involve me IN the kitchen (or cleaning up!) WIN!

And now, it’s your turn to WIN!! Adventure Clubs would love to spoil YOU with a free Adventure for you and your kid/dies.

HOW TO ENTER:
* Like the Our Greenish Life page on Facebook
* Comment on the Facebook thread mentioning one of the three outings we’ve already been on with Adventure Clubs.
* Entries close on Wednesday 20th December, 2017 and the winner announced on my Facebook page.

(Adventure to be redeemed by mid Feb 2018)

For ant more info, and to download the app, find Adventure Clubs here: Website, App Store, Google Play, Facebook and Instagram.

Come on! Join in the adventure!!

This Years Homemade Christmas Gift – Red Onion Marmalade

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I know what you’re thinking… most delicious homemade christmas gift, you were thinking of my fudge recipe were you not? Well, you were close, but this year, I branched out and decided to make something savoury (ish – depending on if adding 1/4 cup of sugar to anything can be considered savoury).

We try in our family, to include the homemade element over Christmas, for personal and somewhat anti-consumerism-Christmassy reasons – so I’m super pumped to have this all made up, in my fridge and ready to throw on a cheese plate.

Red Onion Marmalade. Yum guys. Yum.

This pressie has been made and has been/will be distributed to parents, in-laws and teachers alike. And it’s easy and so very, very delicious.

I tried a few recipes, and this one is by far my best (thanks to All Recipes):

Ingredients:

  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1 tablespoon butter
  • 2 large red onions, thinly sliced
  • 1/4 cup white sugar
  • 1 cup dry red wine
  • 1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
  • salt to taste

Tip: Genius Debbie remembered she had a slicing attachment on her food processor, and so no onion-tears for me. Boom.

Method:

Heat olive oil and butter in a large skillet over medium heat; cook and stir onions and sugar in hot oil until onions start to caramelize, about 15 minutes. Stir red wine and balsamic vinegar into onion mixture and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low and simmer until liquid is evaporated, 15 to 20 minutes more. Season with salt.

Done-sies.

All you need are some jars (I get mine from Bonpak), and some brown paper (PNA/MerryPak) and some twine/string. I attached a little card with a note and onion marmalade ingredients. How cute, and HOW simple?

What is your fave homemade treat?

The Annual Parental Boast

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year – right? The madness of nativity plays and Christmas shopping, decorating, holiday biscuit making, red nose reindeer foot-printing, credit card maxing, food, festivities, and EXTREME BUSY-NESS. You see it everywhere.

Parental boasing hits an all time high this season (well-meaning boasting of course 🙂). The “here’s Johnny’s graduation day in Gr 000”, and “Awwww… Polly is a reindeer hoof in the school play” and “look at how beautiful Sammy’s homemade Christmas toilet paper angel is”, and and aaaaaaaaand. I can understand why these pictures can be a bit irritating for those without a reindeer hoof, toilet roll thingy-magig or Grade 000 graduation certificate. I mean I’m a parent, and I feel bombarded by FB’s plethora of random kid accomplishments.


DIGRESSION WARNING: Let me stop here to say I have numerous friends who are longing for children. LONGING to the point where communities have prayed and pleaded with God, and where I have physically and emotionally ached for them. Friends who have blessed MY family and MY children more so than I have ever properly acknowledged. Many are still walking this journey. This post is NOT for/directed at you. Please forgive our ignorant slapping of pictures onto Facebook which, I can only imagine, may cause a deep sting. May we all open our hearts, minds and homes to those who we know are walking this road… You are loved. May you feel this deeply this Christmas.

Back to the kids and their random kids accomplishments. Oh friends, they’re not. THEY ARE NOT.


You moms and dads out there: you’re Heroes. The relentlessness of parenting and the never-ending need experienced day-on-day… there are not many appropriate words to describe it, other to say that parenting is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. There are not enough adverbs, both good and bad for how unbelievably intensely, beautifully, damn-bloody difficult it is. From the mental strain of remembering every single tiny little thing (darn you ‘show and tell’, why do you ALWAYS sneak up on me), to the physical exhaustion of a baby on a hip, broken sleep for the rest of our lives, the driving to and fro, sheltering your kids so you can get caught in the rain, the stepping on LEGO, to the emotions around playground talk, to emergency hospital visits, a scary diagnosis, indescribable fears…

Guys, the reality is that kids are insane. “They are tiny little dictators with unpredictable mood swings afraid of the most absurd things and cry for no apparent logical reason whatsoever”. How are you supposed to appropriately deal with that? It is like that ‘putting a jersey onto a octopus’ analogy. A bit like breastfeeding the baby while you’re on the toilet explaining to the sibling why you can’t butter their toast simultaneously. No wonder parenting is a big fat guessing game to which we all question whether we’re doing it right? There is no easy answer, ever, and we’re left wondering if all our impatient screaming has undone all the nail-bitingly difficult intentional “let’s make homemade Christmas paper with these potatoes and paint” moments. And I have a theory.

Those moments; when your kids eyes light up seeing Father Christmas, or when that Donkey (who is a kind, gentle, introverted thinker) actually sings a solo on the stage in front of 100+ people, or that ‘i love you’ they’re able to scribble for the very.first.time – that’s it. That’s the affirmation us parents are CRYING for. For the every-day, never-stopping, never-giving up day-in and day-out thing we do called Parenting. That’s it. That’s the glimpse of beautiful BRIGHT HOPE that we’re doing something, maybe very little, but something… right. They are it. It’s in these kids, and these moments that we see it. There is a tiny voice whispering from that graduation certificate/toilet roll angel/reindeer hoof performance proclaiming “well done mom/dad, you did okay, in fact you’re doing freakin’ awesome”.

Fellow (parenting) Comrades, You are PHENOMENAL. Post those end of year pictures everywhere you possibly can. Bombard us with them. Lock in those seemingly-absurd achievements… those joyful memories.

Celebrate loudly, celebrate richly, celebrate well. Because, man alive. You deserve it. 

 

Cutting my brain some slack…

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Three kids is so hardcore. Guys – it really is. It’s so wonderful and so beautiful and so ‘whole’ and SO LOUD and messy and chaotic and brain-freezing.

Brain-freezing. My brain has deteriorated a million fold since having these gorgeous terrors. On a day to day basis, I have had to stop in my tracks and roll through the possibilities the day might demand: fitkids t-shirt, fruit for school, some fee I’ve missed, some craft I need, some dress up, sport, show and tell, playdate… it felt like an evil minefield. I need to limit my in-the-moment thinking. And so I got to the point where scrolling through Pinterest looking at ‘life organizers’ became a blissful pleasure. I felt organised just looking at them, a bit like standing in the gym feeling like you’re losing weight. So despite my radical lack of spare time and baby-not-on-me-ness, I thought I’d take up the challenge and get creative. Also, secretly, I wanted selfish, creative alone time – the kind my darling DIY hubby always has when he’s building something.

So I decided to make (a version of) THIS:

So, I popped on over to my in-laws (who have everything you might ever need, ever), and found an old, crusty, dirty, spider-web-covered window frame. I scraped it down, pulled the broken glass from it, chipped off the dried putty, and cleaned it up (rustic-style).

I then went on the hunt for metal sheeting (I wanted to do magnets instead of the chalkboard – my OCD wouldn’t cope with half-clean chalkboard smudges). So I phoned around and got quotes and “SCREEEEEECH”. My DIY project came to a dramatic halt when I was quoted R600 for 10 pieces of the thinnest, cheapest metal I could find.

…

… (bleugh)

The frame sat clean and lonely with all the other DIY leftovers, like those old toys in Toy Story.

Until my darling hubby went on a hunt to find metal and unknowingly help me finish it for my bday. So this bday – I got the heaviest present I’ve ever received. 10 sheets of rustic worn metal, perfectly sized to fit in my neglected yet patient frame. (Along with some other ‘prettier’ pressies, don’t worry).

Together we fitted the metal and mounted it on the wall, and I used old scrabble tile magnets I’d made (which had lost their appeal) and laminated signs and stuck adhesive magnets on the back, and voil la! DONE!

Quite cool huh?

That harsh (necessary) stab of reality

It has taken me a while to process, exactly what I saw on that Sunday afternoon. It all happened too quickly. All of it.

I drove from my plush neighbourhood in the Southern Suburbs to Mowbray Maternity, a hospital I chose because of my connection to it – the place I was born. I remember at one stage, feeling so connected to BC Women’s where I had my boys in Vancouver, that I considered getting a tattoo of the geographic coordinates. It was figuratively imprinted into me, that place. Such a significant part of my story.

Arriving at Mowbray, impressed with the cleanliness of the 100 year old building and the friendliness of the hospital staff, we shuffled into a lift, to the first floor, and out onto the ward. “24 women, 3 second trimester miscarriages; some 4th time moms, some 1st. Some alcoholics and some drug addicts”, we were told. Just like that. Normal life for many outside of the ‘burbs. And this was the low risk ward.

A new friend, Kirsten (I think her name was), and I grabbed the pre-packed goodie bags jam filled with nappies, wipes, toiletries, snacks etc. and headed for the waiting room. The room was small, in it squished 10 woman and their quiet no-more-than-a-day-old babies most of them nursing. Like this was an every day occurance. They’d just given birth. No less than a day before. And there they sat, ready to leave. Babies BUNDLED up so tight that you could barely find their faces amongst the thick blankets.

I walked in. I saw these 10 women, and I froze. Now, I’m a doula. I love birth and labour and waters breaking, and placentas and gushing all over new moms. But this was an unknown. How many of these babies were planned? How many of these moms were scared? What were they returning to? How would they get there? How were they feeling physically, emotionally, mentally? It was all a jumble. A cultural mismatch which took my breath away and left me stumbling over words to somehow show our them love and bring them hope that Mother’s Day.

We spoke with new moms, we celebrated brand new babies. We watched tears fall from mothers who had miscarried, one mother as young as 15 years old. But all those tiny baby faces. I can’t forget those tiny baby faces – bundled in blankets, and beanies.

It all happened too fast.

We obsess from the day our period is 1 day late, and the second we see that positive test, we go into overdrive: planning, dreaming, longing, researching, preparing. The baby showers, the hospital authorizations, the scans, doctors appointment, prenatal classes, breastfeeding workshops, the baby bag, the reserves of sugar for the birth bag, the 12 hospital worthy outfits and the stockpile of anything and everything a new mom could ever possibly want (and not want). We go ballistic. We are off the charts. Self obsessed North American inspired culture at its max. We book the prenatal photographer and Pinterest the latest gender reveal ideas. We hit it hard.

But these babies. As one mom shared with me “labour at 10pm, baby born at 3am, 12pm and it’s time to go home”. Just like that.

There is nothing comfortable about removing yourself from your cuture and exposing yourself to something completely unknown. It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway, that it is VITAL for growth, maturity and necessary humility.

Thank you Cape Town Embrace for the opportunity.

 

This Whole Nanny Thing (Part 2)

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Last week I wrote about our journey of finding a nanny and how it has changed my life – yes, yes I should’ve known how amazing it would be, but it was hard for me, and I know it has been hard for others.

A lot of this thinking began after I had some really good chats with a blog reader-turned-lovely-friend about this exact topic. After the birth of her first child came the whole work/mom/nanny/stay-home/work-from-home line of thinking (all too familiar for most moms). Now given the enormous responsibility of undoubtedly the most precious thing/s in your life – how do we navigate forward – in a healthy, balanced, financially viable and sane way? Often the idea of hiring a nanny enters the picture.

Besides all the nitty-gritty admin of very important things to consider, such as paying them a LIVABLE wage and not just a minimum wage (come on), to registering for UIF, nanny agencies and placements, referrals, interviews and interview questions… when it comes down to the actual one-on-one TIME with your CHILD – training is KEY. This is why I sent our nanny on Nanny Training with Super Nannies.

Super Nannies has been supporting families and empowering nannies since 2006. They offer nanny training in Cape Town, Johannesburg, Durban and Pretoria.

The team consists of a group of moms who understand the value of empowering nannies and how important it is to find the right support for your home. They are passionate about upskilling nannies not just within the homes where they work, but in their larger community as well.

While my experience with them has been about nanny training, they also offer nanny placements as well as CPR and First Aid for parents.

So what did my nanny learn? How has she been upskilled? What exactly was discussed?

This is what was covered in the lessons my nanny attended:

  • The role of a nanny.
  • The importance in following a mother’s routine
  • Child safety – Being aware of the hazards in and out the home.
  • Understanding the implications and precautions of HIV and TB.
  • First Aid, CPR and handling childhood emergencies.
  • Essential infant care – sleeping, bathing, nappy changing, burbing, crying.
  • Nutrition and weaning
  • Hygiene and sterilization of bottles
  • The importance of play
  • Gross and Fine Motor Stimulation
  • (read the full breakdown here)

The nanny training comprises of four training modules. Three hours one morning a week over a four week period or two modules a day for two full days to cover all four training modules (we did the two full days).

And… How did it go? 

While I think my nanny was a bit hesitant (and nervous) when I’d told her I’d like her to attend training – I reassured her it was not because she was doing a bad job, she was doing a wonderful job – but I wanted her to feel valued, appreciated and to be given the chance to learn. And boy, was she chuffed arriving at work with her Super Nannies Certificate. 🙂

As recommended, I dropped her off at the training venue myself so I could meet the trainer and make sure my nanny felt comfortable and settled. After each day of training I received email updates about what was covered and what homework my nanny was given, and what I should check and follow up on – and where I can help her myself. Initially I felt a little ‘motherly’ checking up on her ‘homework’ but it could not have been more different. We engaged with what she had been doing well, what could be done differently, and it really gave us a safe platform to communicate well and discuss without judgement and awkwardness. And while the results have been wonderfully obvious in some ways, it is in the small things where the change is really happening: baby stimulation, confidence in cooking and which food to give our little one, the balance between cleaning and caring, and safety at home. One day while I was at work, I remembered I’d collected a bucket of water in the shower and I’d forgotten to pour in the toilet (water restrictions you know). I called my nanny in a PANIC about our little one crawling and possibly falling in (and drowning – I shudder at even typing the word) and my nanny had already done it. I’m certain it would have been the discussions on safety in the home and drowning that would have immediately alerted her to the danger.

We now have an up-to-date medical aid kit, I am able to give instructions without feeling bossy or demanding, and while I am rushing around the house in the morning our nanny is closing doors behind me so bunk bed ladders are not climbed and small Lego is not swallowed. Emergency numbers are in plain site on our fridge. Our nanny is more confident – as am I. (You’d think after 3 kids I’d remember to cook on the back plate, or get plug covers for our plugs – but it was my nanny who gently made the suggestions…)

My recommendation is to really partner with your nanny in this process. The outcome will be a hundred fold. It’s easy to ‘outsource’ the training as if your nanny now has the ability to read your mind a bit clearer. But that is not the case. Discussing everything with your nanny, going through her manual and making your lists about what to ‘clean’ and what to ‘tidy’ (I hadn’t even thought of the difference before, and my unspoken expectations around it…) – that is where the change happens. My floor is now always clean, because she knows it’s important to me. And it makes me so, so happy.

Something that I read on the Super Nannies website before we interviewed our nanny, was:

– It’s important to prioritise your family’s needs and then look for a nanny with the right skills. There is no such thing as the perfect nanny.

– Qualities to look for are a good attitude, honesty, reliability, shows initiative and a willingness to communicate and do the tasks the mother’s way. Her work ethic and attitude. Skills can always be taught. Remember to trust your gut instinct when making your choice.

Good Luck as you walk this road. Know it can be a generously beautiful one.

If you have any other questions, or are interested in nanny training, placements or CPR/First Aid courses, please contact Super Nannies
(t) 0861 462 669
(e) info@supernannies.co.za
Web: www.supernannies.co.za

My 1 year old. I miss you.

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Earlier this week I sat with my 1 year old on my lap, and cuddled koala bear style – something she never, ever does. It was such a (rare and) beautiful moment, I didn’t want to flinch in fear she would decide this was not her preferred resting spot. I looked down at her eyelashes which were stuck together with fresh tears from the minutes before, and gave her a firm squeeze soaking up the moment, breathing it alllll in, and the words ‘I miss you’ whispered from my mouth. I miss you?

She hadn’t cuddled me like that since she was a newborn. She is not the sit-still cuddly type. My mom always used to say how I just ‘sat’ on her lap. No fuss, no rush, no fidgeting. How I wish my daughter would do this. But once on me, she wants to climb off me but then straight back on and roll off the side and squeeze through that and then back on but this way… and by then my wrists are aching… again.

I miss you? What a weird thing to think. I mean she was right there. With me. Tummy to tummy, arms tucked under mine, head nestled under my chin.

A thought hit me. We recently had our floors redone. The guy who helped us was wonderful, but he was rushed. Always. He did a fantastic job and I’d definitely recommend him and his company to anyone in need of new floors – but I always felt like I was interrupting him when I had a question. We couldn’t verbally process the change, bounce ideas, brainstorm thinking (sure, it is just a floor so it’s not like I was dealing with an architect) and while he was happy for us to try samples and take them home and sit with them and offer advice, I always felt like he was in a hurry. It always felt like he had something on… something next. At the end of the day it was business.

And THAT IS ME. I’m busy. I like being productive. The next thing that needs to happen – that’s on my mind. I like feeling like I’ve accomplished something. I’m a 7 on the enneagram which means I’m go-go-go. I want to do-do-do, experience-experience-experience. I want to swell all experiences to their absolute maximum; ice cream on the beach walk, breakfast after a Saturday morning run, a hot coffee en route to work, a sneaky glass of wine with a girlfriend. Optimistic, spontaneous, a joy-scout, ambitious, and certain we can always squeeze in a little more of something.

Am I too busy ensuring my child gets an invite to Uncle Paul’s Christmas Party that I don’t actually enjoy Uncle Paul’s Christmas Party? Am I too busy filling a schedule I have not a hot clue whether we’re off to swimming or tennis (we don’t play tennis, so it could only be swimming but you know what I mean). Does this contribute to my impatience at car seat buckles, my perceived stressed-ness come school time and my frustration at my kids not.being.fast.enough. Am I about to looooooose the plot because Brea is crying, again? The need. I’m always fulfilling a need. It’s transactional. Is it all businessey like my floor friend? I know my answers are not dire. I know my kids get a better version of me that I sometimes give myself credit, but why did I miss her? (On a practical level I’m with her all morning and then every afternoon, I’m still breastfeeding her to sleep and having tea parties and trying to brush her 5.5 teeth and in reality she lives on my hip like velcro. So why miss her?)

This long cuddle was something surreal. This warm little body, clinging to mine. Her arms wrapped around my front. Her little snuffly sounds as she tired to breathe through her snotty nose. No phone, no noise (fortunately I’d just made meringues and the boys were happily preoccupied with those), no rush. NO NEED TO DO OR BE anywhere else. No need to do anything BUT BE THERE. I need more of those moments.

Let the floor guy and my blissful cuddle remind you to stop. And be there.

This Whole Nanny Thing (Part 1)

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It was at a Baby Shower the ‘school moms’ threw for me right before Brea was born where one of the wonderfully well-meaning moms asked “but you’ll have help right?” It must have been the months of staring into my terrified ‘I’m about to have 3 kids’ face every morning at the school gate which had her ask the question. “Yep, totally. I mean, my mom is right there”, I replied.

You see, I never grew up with help. My gran lived next door (as does now my mom and dad) and helped around with lifts and laundry, babysitting and walking the dog. My mom only worked a few days a week and so we didn’t need it.

Having had the boys in Vancouver, there was no option for a nanny so you ‘man up’ and figure it out. And it was totally manageable. Maybe it’s the Canadian Childcare tax benefits, the year long paid maternity leave, ‘free’ healthcare and the unquestionable safety (even if it is only perceived) which allows you to just relax about, well most things.

So with a then 4.5 year old, 2.5 year old and a newborn, we ‘manned up’. We brought this precious new bundle home and it was wonderful and hectic and more wonderful and more HECTIC (read about it here), but over time, hubby and I realised we were slowly but surely moving closer and closer to: survival mode. And we weren’t surviving in survival mode. Our options were limited, but the most obvious was to just get help. Thing is, I didn’t want a nanny. It was foreign to me. I didn’t want someone in my space, I didn’t want the cost, I didn’t want to ‘not manage’, I didn’t want to worry about this ‘stranger’ and more importantly I didn’t want to seemingly outsource my parenting. I was also a little nervous of nanny agencies (I’d heard horror stories), and knew that if we invited someone into our home, we were inviting her into our life. So it was a biggie.

Looooooong story short, on the Easter weekend this year we hired our first (and hopefully life-long) nanny, who has CHANGED OUR LIVES a million times for the better. Cue the champagne! Now I know many of you reading this will be all “duhhhhh, we could have told you that light years ago”, but it was a struggle for me. It’s a big deal inviting someone into your home and entrusting them with your most valued little thing/s EVER. So give me grace, will you?


So if this was it, and if she was the one, surely I must do everything I can to make sure she is loved, well-trained, that she understands us, that we understand her, that there is mutual trust, appreciation and open communication – because why wouldn’t you? So last month I sent her on Nanny Training with Super Nannies.


GUYS!

GAME CHANGER.

I loved our nanny before, but, our relationship has BLOSSOMED since she went on the training. She is still not perfect – and that’s okay. Because, am I? Heck no.

I feel like Super Nannies has helped me flesh this whole nanny thing out: our relationship, expectations, roles and responsibilities and, it has made for such a wonderful home environment. I feel like it is my role as an employer to not only treat my nanny well, but to pay her well and respect her (as a person and human) and to do what I can to lift her out of the previously disadvantaged position in which she was raised, and give her a voice and purpose and value. And going on a course like this has done just that. She feels empowered, known, communication is open, and we can discuss things without me feeling like ‘white privilege giving instructions’ (my issue I know) to feeling like a team sharing a common goal and working together to achieve it.

All those things I was previously scared of have dissolved: she shares my space in such a humble, unobtrusive and safe way; I manage better because she creates the space FOR ME to BE A BETTER PARENT; she is worth every cent I pay her; she is no longer a stranger but a team member and I am less stressed, more patient, less busy, more able to spend one-on-one time with the kids and the hub is super stoked he no longer has to clean the kitchen way into the night while I fall asleep on the couch.

A gift. She is a gift. My eyes have been opened to how massively beneficial this shift has been for us as a family. Hang around for Part 2, where we discuss what miscommunication we have overcome and what exactly she learnt and how is has benefited us all. x